


Smile For Today Only

by mildlysinning (arka_r)



Series: Sarah Pines AU [1]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Trans Female Character, Trans Stan, Trans Woman Stan AU, Transphobia, sensory processing disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 01:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5355926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arka_r/pseuds/mildlysinning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She pushed her brother into that portal. She's trying to make things right.</p><p>Drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smile For Today Only

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this when i got pretty bad body dysphoria few weeks ago. this is all based from my experience as trans person so it might be different from yours...
> 
> any transgender term misuse and misgendering is intentional.

  **i.**

At first, going around masquerading as Stanford seemed like such a good idea. A brilliant idea, to earn money to pay the bills, buy groceries, and maybe get the parts to fix that damned portal in the basement. It didn’t take long until the realization hit like a fuckin’ brick to the face.

 

Stanford was a  ** _man_**. People knew  ** _him_** as ‘that science  ** _guy_** who lives in the cabin in the woods’, and ‘  ** _Mr._** Pines’, and ‘  ** _Sir_**.’

 

Sarah was a  ** _woman_** , but once upon a time, people called her ‘Stanley’, and ‘Son’, and ‘Boy’. She threw those names away just like her family threw her to the streets when they found out about her ‘freakishness’. They called her all kind of names that not even she would use to anyone.

 

That time was long past.

 

Or it supposed to be. Acting as Stanford, people had been calling her ‘  ** _Mr._** Pines and ‘  ** _Sir_** ’ and ‘  ** _dude_** ’. It made her.

Itch.

 _Everywhere_.

 

She swallowed bile and smiled to the group of visiting tourists.

 

–

 

**ii.**

Sarah was a  ** _woman_** , but  ** _she_** didn’t feel she was woman enough. She had gross body hairs in places like her jaw and shoulders, and square jaw, and Adam’s apple. She didn’t even want to think about that part down there. It made her feel like she was a kid wearing their parent’s clothes, several sizes too big and not even of correct gender. Except this was her body that didn’t fit, the very flesh and skin and bones.

 

She didn’t like girly things. She hated the way makeup feel on her skin, they itched and felt all sticky. She looked like a clown when she put on lipstick. She was barely passable at sewing and cooking.

 

Instead she liked more manly stuff. Like boxing and cars. She thought she was pretty good at fixing her ol’ El Diablo too, because that car wasn’t only her car. It was home for years she was homeless and sometimes it took quite a damage, and she would need to fix it up herself because she couldn’t afford to pay for a mechanic.

 

Maybe that was why she didn’t realize that something was not right until later, until puberty hit and she realized that this wasn’t what she expected. That this wasn’t  ** _her_**.

 

She found out when she read news about the riot and words like ‘  _transvestite_ ’ and ‘  _crossdresser_ ’ were thrown around and she remembered how she wept because there was a word to describe her, no matter how awful they were. She wasn’t alone. There were people like her out there. People who thought they were walking around wearing bodies that didn’t quite fit right on them.

 

–

 

**iii.**

She stared at the reflection in the mirror in her brother’s bathroom, after she cut her hair. Because Stanford was a  ** _man_** and  ** _he_** didn’t have long hair like a woman.

 

Her hair was the only thing that didn’t feel wrong. She couldn’t afford clothes, but her hair… she could control that one. She grew it out once she was on the streets. Once it was long enough, she loved to tie it into ponytail, braid it, and put ribbons made from cut scraps on it. Mostly, she loved to wear it down, let the wind played at her hair. Even when she couldn’t wash it for days and it looked like dead animal, it still smelled like freedom.

 

She swept the hair,  ** _her_** hair, off her brother’s bathroom floor, feeling cold and detached from the moment.

 

–

 

**iv.**

There were times when she wondered if it all was gonna worth it.

 

Her brother had proved her wrong times and times again. She thought it would be them forever, but he left her to some stupid college. Left her in a house which was no longer hers. It’d been not hers for a long time.

 

She thought he was accepting her. After all he’d taken a somewhat scientific interest of it. But then she learned that scientific interest didn’t mean that he genuinely cared. He said those hurtful words, after all, which caused her ending in the streets. He said those words again ten years later, which caused him ending in another dimension.

 

There were times when she wanted to quit it, leave her brother’s house forever and never coming back. Find somewhere else she could be happy by herself. But then she would get nightmares, her brother with his skin peeled off and his face melted away, yelling at her how it was all her fault. He was dead. He could be dead. And she killed him.

 

When she jolted awake, she went down to the basement and started working again.


End file.
